|Adonai, drive me out of this pit...
||[Jul. 22nd, 2005|09:56 am]
"Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh who corrected us, and we gave them reverence. Shall we not much rather be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For truly they chastened us for a few days according to their own pleasure, but He for our profit, that we might be partakers of His holiness. Now chastening for the present does not seem to be joyous, but grievous. Nevertheless afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who are exercised by it. Because of this, straighten up the hands which hang down and the enfeebled knees. And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way, but let it rather be healed."
"Before God uses a man, he will break the man." -A.W. Tozer.
My prayers are being answered as I write this right now. I asked God to use me, to break me if need be. What a dangerous prayer. All I know is that I'll never pray that again. From now on I'll cry with King David, "O Jehovah, do not rebuke me in Your wrath; neither chasten me in Your fury." I'm going through a horrible refiner's fire, and it seems my life is falling to pieces.
First of all, the medication. I was on Effexor Xr, and anti-depressant for about two years. Depression was never the problem, it was the result of the problem which I'll explain later. So there was no reason to actually take the medication. Especially when this is one of the newest and most powerful anti-depressants out there in the market today. Not to mention the most notorious. On January I started tapering off the medication because it didn't help me, and it was then that I discovered the reason for its notoriety: Brain shocks (yes) and tingling all over my body when I sleep, tinnitus (ringing in my ears) when I sleep, fatigue the entire day, trouble focusing eyes (I now use reading glasses), trouble concentrating, memory problems, liver problems, headaches, pressure in my eyes, dizziness and a feeling that my brain is moving, trouble getting my mouth and brain to function together, and emotional and psychological problems as well. I no longer feel like my brain is moving, but all the other withdrawal symptoms are there. Needless to say I've been in and out of the hospital since January. Doctors are baffled; they are biased, unhelpful, and most have no clue about the brain and the effects of these harmful medications, but still hand out meds like they were candy. I have forgiven my former doctor for perscribing Effexor, but it was hard. Thank God there are support groups over the internet where I found people going through the exact same thing.
Second, my social anxiety, and other phobias. I've struggled with low self-esteem since I was a kid. I was quiet and shy, since I came to this country at the age of 6. I think the culture change was among the problems that hepled trigger the social anxiety. I was very intelligent since my youth, but I started getting nervous about talking in front of the class when I was in my teens. I started withdrawing from people, finding it harder to make friends and socialize. I became depressed because I couldn't be social. With some people I could be myself, not shy, but with other groups I just couldn't talk or even project my voice (this is called selective mutism). This has been a problem and still is today, especially at church, which is one of the places where I found it hard to talk. I didn't have any close Christian friends, and because of this I backslid for a while. The Lord has given me the strength to endure and improve on this problem, though, and I have some Christian friends and have grown much in my walk with Christ.
Well, those two problems plague me, and I've noticed that when I have to do something for the Lord, my problems intensify, so I know it's a spiritual deal as well. And lately, both these problems have intesified much, and I have no doubt as to why. I asked God to refine me, to purify me with His Holy fire. I'm in a pit, I'm over a bottomless pit right now, hanging by a thread. And as if that weren't enough, I'm not doing too well financially; I turned in my financial aid form for college too late, and now I have to pay around $300 for classes. I also just got a $146 traffic ticket, I'm having some car problems, I have many, many bills to pay, and my dad notified me recently that he's going through financial difficulties as well. Talk about tiral by fire.
I put my complete trust in my Savior, though. I give all my burdens to Him, because He can handle them. I know that all things work together for my good, and that there is going to be an "afterward." I'm going to come out of all these trials humble but strong and bold in Christ, ready to do His will.
My life's dream is to be a preacher. I want to glorify God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want to stand in a soapbox in front of a crowd of angry hecklers and boldly proclaim the Gospel of salvation. I want to share the Gospel to everyone willing to listen. I want to be holy, I want to be disciplined. I want to get on my knees at 10pm and pray and weep and not finish until 5 in the morning. I want to resist all temptation, every time, everywhere. I want to keep God first in my life before anyone else, including myself. I want to suffer for the Lord. I want to draw men to Jesus through my actions. I want to have more concern for the lost. I want to love my neighbors more. I want to have eternity in my heart more and more every day. I want to witness revival in America, and in the world. But most of all, I want God's will to be done.
Not my will, but Yours, on earth as it is in heaven.
Reading back some of Leonard Ravenhill's quotes, one really hit me hard right now:
“We must do what we can do for God, before He will give us the power to do what we can’t do.”
Sometimes I feel like I can't go street wtinessing. But I've done it before, even with my problems. I have to, no I need to get back on the streets. At least I can leave tracts--I can even go one-to-one witnessing if I'm with another Christian. That's what I can do right now. God will give me the strength to do what I can't when the time is right.